‘I Prayed I would Die!’ Guest Post by Hana Jindrova

Your Story is a series by WonderfulWomen where you will read inspiring Guest Posts from women around the world. Here they share their experiences, stories and things that matter most to all women.

Today’s Guest Post is by Hana Jindrova from happymindfulbeautiful.com Hana is 22 years old bulimia recovery. She was fighting this illness for 5 years until she discovered terms like mindfulness, gratitude, self-love, spirituality, etc. and over the last 1.5 years, she learned how to implement them into her everyday life to experience unconditional happiness. She believes that severe bulimia was placed in her way not only so she could grow mentally, become stronger and find joy and love but also so she could start helping others to get through hard times! And that is how HappyMindfulBeautiful was born, to show other lost souls how to find happiness and peace in any kind of situation because life is beautiful and everybody deserves to live one that is full of joy, bliss, and love.

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I PRAYED I WOULD DIE…

Hello, beauty, I want to share with you my story. It is addressed to all (extra)ordinary women who are going through some rough times and who cannot find the way out. Sometimes we need to go through physical or emotional pain to be reborn into an amazing, happy, beautiful warrior who is stronger than she could ever imagine!

EVERYTHING STARTED WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM

I was always unhappy and had very low self-esteem (“ugly”, “useless”, “fat”). I started restricting my diet when I was only 10. During my teenage years, everything got worse, I was close to committing suicide. Hitting 16, I fall in love for the first time and after we split up a year later I would do anything to bring him back. My confused brain came up with this “great” idea: If I lose lots of weight, he will want me back.

 

I ADOPTED A FEAR STRONGER THAN MY DESIRE TO LIVE

And so I started eating under 400 kcal per day and my negative motivation got me through the first few weeks. I lost roughly 10 kilos and looked amazing. The problem was that I adopted the biggest fear of my life stronger than my desire to live. I feared that I would put on weight and so I continued playing this dangerous game.

Is there a day in your past that’s completely changed your life? I will never forget this beautiful sunny afternoon when I ate a slice of pizza. My biggest fear was activated “I’ll put on all the weight back!” And so I went to the bathroom and voluntarily vomited for the first time in my life. It was horrible but once I discovered this restart button, nothing could stop me from eating!

MY RUTHLESS LIFE TEACHER – BULIMIA

I jumped from strict anorexia into drastic bulimia. I was caught up in this horrible cycle of binge eating and being sick for 5 long years. 5 years seemingly wasted on being lost in so much emotional and physical pain that I was praying I would die, I couldn’t take any more of that. My stomach, esophagus and throat were constantly inflamed and aching. I was vomiting blood, my hands were shaking and my heart didn’t want to work any longer.

How could I do it to myself? Bulimia is a mental illness and it is like an addiction. I doubt anybody can get out just for a strong will. Every day you swear you wouldn’t do it again and the next morning after your first meal you run to the bathroom. I didn’t tell doctors, I knew they would close me somewhere and make me eat. I told myself I would rather die slim than live fat.

MIRACLES HAPPEN

Where is the happy end, right? Here we go, a true love‘s helped me get out. When I was 18 I met a guy during my short visit abroad and we stayed in touch after I left. When I was the closest to death, he sensed something wasn’t right and I told him about bulimia. I knew he would hate me and judge me. But he didn’t. He became my guide through the darkness. He forces me to get up every time I slipped, even though I just wanted to give up.

After he got me from the deepest end, he wanted to move on. But as I started getting worse again, he magically appeared in my life from nowhere. This time not so patient though. I got an ultimatum, I will either get rid of my negativity and self-hatred and find happiness while curing myself of bulimia or I will have to leave.

HEAL YOUR MINDSET, HEAL EVERYTHING

At that time I didn’t know that happiness was my own choice. My life was just sadness and negativity until that point, I knew no better. But on that day I Googled “How to be happy” and that’s how my recovery journey started. For a whole year I was reading and listening to anything happiness and self-love related and I slowly started implementing the practices. It took me a long time to get rid of all my old toxic behavioral patterns and change my mindset completely, but damn it was so worth it!

I found true love for my amazing body and for who I was. I couldn’t hurt the beautiful innocent girl I was seeing in the mirror anymore. Plus I discovered the perfect diet that totally fitted my body’s needs – I have become ultimately free from thoughts about food, it was more than I ever dreamed of. Every single day I’m grateful that I’m still alive. I learned how to be happy no matter what and it is available for you too!!

THE END

There is a couple of reasons why I was telling you all this, I want you to know that:

1. No matter how hard things get, there is always a way out.
2. Obstacles are put into your way to make you stronger and teach you important lessons. I’m truly grateful for this painful experience, without it I would never find unconditional happiness.
3. Ask for help, find somebody you fully trust and speak up, it is not a weakness, cooperation is a part of your big victory!
4. Love yourself no matter what. You are the only person you will spend all your life with so make it count!

 

I built up my own happiness and unconditional love for myself. Now it’s my turn to help others do the same. I started a blog and an IG account where I share tips that have helped me. I also decided to compete in bikini fitness to show people that even bulimia recovery can have anybody she wants without pain, sacrificing life and a relapse.

I wish you all the best on your journey. Don’t forget to follow me for more guidance or contact me if you need to talk to someone, I’m here for you!

Connect With Hana

Her Website: happymindfulbeautiful.com

Instagram: instagram.com/happymindfulbeautiful